So I put on my happy face, because the outside world is simply not a safe place to discuss these philosophical questions and nihilistic thoughts. The pain remains internal, repressed, unworthy to be mentioned. My daily life is not altered. I'm getting everything I need to get done. I don't feel depressed. But I often wake up each morning wondering...why? Questioning meaning in the little things that once sparked my interest – reading, learning, decorating and photography, among other things. I see it all in its bitter reality of a “chasing after the wind” (reference to Ecclesiastes).
I meditate upon the explanatory value of evolution to enlighten us on how such complex creatures as humans roam this planet. Something doesn’t quite add up. I’m not questioning evolution per se, just the fuzzy part that somehow made something from nothing. Having a God who masterminded the process of evolution (theistic evolution) just makes much more sense than both atheistic evolution and 7-day literal creationism*. But then who made God? How can this lead me to Christianity, with my struggle to believe in a literal resurrection of Jesus. How might I even begin to understand what exactly is a personal relationship with Christ, and whether it is essential to call myself Christian?
This is my existential crisis, in a nutshell. If hell is the absence of God, I am currently experiencing my own personalized version of hell. In my intellectual pain, I’ve opened up myself to whole new level of vulnerability, because it is only natural for that little thought to creep into my mind, telling me this is all my fault – the demons come back to taunt me, those that told me evolution and academic scholarship was from Satan, that taking a break from church was the ultimate sin.
For me, there is no contentment to be found in atheism. I seem to have a God-shaped hole, and I’m constantly aware of the vacuum within. I long for faith like I craved chocolate when I was pregnant. Whether I am evolutionarily wired to believe, or my longing for God is mere evidence of his existence, I’m not sure. But in the last few weeks, I’ve been to atheism and back, and I cannot return there. Instead, I can only cry out:
Lord, “help me in my unbelief” (reference to Mark 9:24)
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 19:35)
And then I go hug my kids, perhaps fold some laundry…and the daily rituals of my life numb the unknowing.
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*You’ll notice I don’t discuss intelligent design. I find its presuppositions to be faulty, and the theory is not well regarded by most academic scientists. As such, my respect for science, flaws and all, prevent me from embracing this theory. I discuss my views on evolution and reservations about intelligent design more in detail here:
Plethora of Viewpoints
Chaos in My Mind, Peace in my Soul
Also, I would have to ask re: an "intelligent designer" or Prime Mover, why create such an evil system that depends on death? Why such a fallible system, which results in 8 million children being born with severe birth defects? Etc. Not an idea that is consistent with the benevolent god theory, IMO. Unless you want to resort to the "god is mysterious" defense, which I suspect you don't.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss. I, too, felt as if there were a hole in my world after I realized that god was a myth, a theory that didn't hold up to scrutiny. The good news is that this feeling passes with time and study. I found books on humanism were helpful in constructing a new philosophy that wasn't dependent on religion. But mostly it takes some time to mourn the fact that everything you based your entire worldview on has been undermined.
"Whether I am evolutionarily wired to believe, or my longing for God is mere evidence of his existence, I’m not sure."
ReplyDeleteAs I see it, one could rewrite this thoughtful sentence as follows: "Having an evolutionarily wired longing for God may be evidence of his existence." Whether or not one believes that to be true is the point at which faith takes over.
LAC, unlike our universe, that is thought to have a beginning in space, and time, God is eternal. He has no beginning or end.
ReplyDelete“In the beginning, Lord, you laid the foundations of the earth,
and the heavens are the work of your hands.
11 They will perish, but you remain;
they will all wear out like a garment.
12 You will roll them up like a robe;
like a garment they will be changed.
But you remain the same,
and your years will never end.
I confess that as a finite "mere mortal," I have a difficult time wrapping my head around this concept. Yet, I believe it to be true.
I also lean more toward theistic evolution, and have really enjoyed reading stuff by Dr. Collins, as well.
Prayers for you, LAC. We all "see through a glass darkly.." And, I think that's ok. :)
Becky.
We live in an age of enlightenment, made possible by the Internet. As one result, the issue of faith has been challenged like never before. Secular scholars such as Hume and Kant, as well as church fathers and theologians like John Calvin and St. Augustine took opposing sides, but their points of contention were never raised to accessibility and viewing by the general populous. That is no longer the case.
ReplyDeleteJust what are the primary points of contention? The existence of God (or gods) is quite easily challenged today, simply by chronicling religious wars, citing Biblical contradictions, science based falsities, and rampant human abuses by Canaanites et al. These in fact, are in essence, the primary arguments posed in refutation of religious faith, and with a computer and Google, these points can be made in mere minutes.
As a result, a large percentage of young people, once exposed to the outside world, will reject religion in toto. Few entering college today, particularly in the sciences, will retain religious views. Couple to that the prevalence of ‘first person shooter’ games, which are nothing more than blood and guts as play things, and a revised mindset, along with a hard secular stance is the likely result.
Go to any blog that discusses these issues and note the skewed leanings toward atheism. The ratio is at least ten to one. But is consensus coincident with reality? To answer that, let’s look at more than religious wars (there have been far more secular wars) and Old Testament travesty. To my mind, much of the O/T should never have been published for general consumption.
What we need is a renewal of spiritual enlightenment, and not necessarily from the pulpit. Our true essence goes beyond the physical realm, although we deal with it daily. Natural evil, sin, disease and war are men’s propensities. And the points that ‘Reason’s Whore’ mentioned are irrelevant. In a physical realm, there will always be physical discontinuities. Birth defects are merely the failing of physical processes, often buttressed by diet and lifestyle shortcomings, NOT due to God’s incompetence.
Hurricanes and Tsunamis will happen, due to chance atmospheric mixes and tectonic shifts. Once we admit that we were placed here for a worldly adventure, but never promised a Utopian existence, we can get over these qualms. We may even discover someday that design/ creative efforts were done by many (angelics, spirit entities), which would help to explain predator v. prey, and parasite v. host. These challenges can be met, and physical death will likely be just another doorway to traverse.
So for those (like you) who can’t deal with the incongruities of scripture v. evolution, try to see the truths (and falsities) of both. Evolution happened, and natural selection is a natural pruning shears, but certainly not able to explain the obvious order and purpose of this realm. Cosmic design by genetic engineering is also an operative, and one that has been verified. We can do it ourselves in the lab. So simply accept that ‘Theme Park Earth’ is ours for the moment, but I predict that the option of venturing the Cosmos may come later. Continue to focus on your children, jogging, creative artworks and meals, sex, and of course ‘blogging’, plus whatever else you can find to do, and please, make a concerted effort to shun the orthodoxies that bombard us.
Cheers,
Lee Bowman, an ID proponent
beau dot leeman at cox dot net
Questioning Christianity or any of its tenets or generally understood ideas about God will eventually lead to an existential crisis. If it doesn't, you settled for answers without asking enough questions. Existential alienation IS hell in just about every paradigm--even the existential philosophers. I struggled with existential questions in high school and college, when I started to read the playwrights, poets, and philosophers who discussed such questions and I learned the term existential alienation, I let out a huge sigh of contentment "ahh! there is someone else who struggles with this!" The crisis (even if it is not a temporal crisis) is crucial, I think, for finding a life-long peace with your humanity. Without accepting an essential aloneness in the universe, even if you ultimately decide that you are essentially alone with God, you will always be risking connection with others for the wrong reasons. I don't understand people who can come to these philosophical places without conscious struggle (i.e. your husband and mine). I am compelled to harrow through the turmoil. You might like to read Jack Spong's latest book "Eternal Life" in which he explores the process of evolution, developing consciousness, and awareness of a transcendence that defies deification. Many hugs through this soul-searching.
ReplyDelete"Whether I am evolutionarily wired to believe, or my longing for God is mere evidence of his existence, I’m not sure."
ReplyDeleteI'm just reading N.T.Wrights Simply Christian and I'm not that far in, but this seems to be the premise he is coming from. He talks about our spiritualal thirstiness. Our need for relationship even though we can never seem to make it work. Our search for justice that eludes us. It made me think of what you said...the "God shaped hole". I'm interested to see where he goes with it.
"Birth defects are merely the failing of physical processes, often buttressed by diet and lifestyle shortcomings, NOT due to God’s incompetence. "
ReplyDeleteI am always perplexed by the folks who want to claim that a god created everything...but isn't responsible for that creation's shortcomings.
I am sorry. I do know what those feeling are like. To have them consume your every waking moment. For months and months I did like you went through the motions and prayed and cried and called out to God any God to just answer me.
ReplyDeleteAs a previous commenter posted. It does get easier over time, but for me that guilt you are feeling still hasn't completely left and truthfully I don't know if it ever will. There are times when I feel so guilty for thinking the way I do now. I chalk it up to conditioning which is very powerful.
I hope you can get some peace sometime soon, it's not fun to have this consume you.
Lee, if you challenge Christianity "simply" by chronicling wars, etc. then I challenge atheism by chronicling Gulags, Brainwashing Camps, and "Re-education" Centers.
ReplyDeleteDon't tell me atheists did not do those things because they were atheists.
They die.
My own Grandparents experienced it, and Solzhenitsyn demonstrated it beyond doubt with The Gulag Archipelago Series...that when atheists had the power, they tried to eliminate religion.
Further, the claim that the Internet futures "Enlightenment" ignores the vast abilities of the internet to spread JUNK.
Aspiring History Teacher
I was struck by something I read recently regarding deconversion.
ReplyDeleteThe author said that most conversion happens for crisis-oriented emotional reasons and most deconversion happens for gradual intellectual reasons.
I hate that!
It looks like you lost the post with the testimony. I have it in my google reader.
ReplyDeleteRW: Good questions, although strange as it might be, the problem of suffering/pain is not one that I struggle with (i.e. I just don't think about this) as much as my intellectual doubt, so I'm not a good person to address your questions. The pain within humanity is a tough one to explain regardless of theism or atheism, at least personally.
ReplyDeletejj: I believe ASA's publication, Perspectives in Science and Faith, featured an article discussing evolutionary desire for God last year in the summer, but I only browsed it.
Becky: Thank you for your perspective, as a Christian, here, in spite of my admittance of pretty severe doubt. I know many would just pass on my blog. I didn't comment on your previous post, but I am somewhat intrigued by the Episcopal church, perhaps for the future, because I'm not ready for anything right now.
Lee: I think certainly my thinking right now involves alot of skepticism over both theistic and atheistic views. It wasn't clear to me if you embrace ID and evolution? Personally, my main gripe is with ID as an institution (ie the Discovery Institute) and how vividly they attack evolution, thereby creating a stumbling block towards students entering universities (against faith).
Sandra: Thanks for your encouragement. I am feeling better overall, and the questions are somewhat dulled by the busyness of life. I have off and on had these type of existential questions, but they were always followed with deep prayer, and my prayers feel so hollow right now, and the chance randomness of life so real.
theagnosticswife: I'm sorry for the guilt feelings, as I have been following bits of your journey with your family and my heart cries out for you to be loved by your mom.
EI: I would say my conversion actually was more intellectual than emotional, being that I was so young...and my current phase of questioning has both emotional and intellectual reasons.
EI: The post is back up...no thanks to blogger!
LAC: For reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I've come back and re-read this post 3 times. Each time coming away with a desire to comment but not knowing what to say or how to say it.
ReplyDeleteYour post sort of strikes a chord with me, but not in a way in which you might imagine.
Part of it is around your use of the phrase God-shaped hole. Its a phrase I am very familiar with and have heard (or even used) may times, yet what does it actually mean?
I get the feelings wonder when looking around the world, there is beauty in the smallest seed and the largest supernova and everything in between. I get that amazement at the wonder of our world, but I just can't connect it to God anymore. Its as though my step away from Christianity was a clean cut and not a protracted separation.
So when I read your account I genuinely believe your struggle and I want to connect to it and empathise, but I can't. (Cue joke about men being cold hearted and soulless)
Or maybe its because I am so enjoying learning all the stuff about evolution that I should have learnt a long time ago that there is simply no room for thoughts of God anymore.
Either way, please don't stop being honest about your journey.
Pete (decovert for "gradual intellectual reasons")
ReplyDeleteI second Reason Whore . . . (interesting name) . . . . the feelings go away over time. You've been to atheism and back in a week and won't go back??? . . . we'll see:)
limey: Thanks for sharing. I think it is good and healthy for all of us to share our journeys and realize how diverse we all are. I recently read a book as part of a book club about an introvert who doesn't doubt God but struggles with finding a church community http://www.jrdkirk.com/2011/05/24/reluctant-pilgrim/. I didn't really identify at all with her struggle, b/c for me, church community is secondary to belief - I'm okay with the idea of the imperfect church and dealing with imperfect people as long as I have faith. Yet, the other gals in the book club loved the book and I really enjoyed listening to their perspective, even if I didn't entirely resonate with it.
ReplyDeletePete: Honestly, while I'm not sure if I will have faith, I can see myself more on an agnostic journey than an atheist journey - but I doubt alot, not just spirituality - so I think it is part of my personality makeup. For example, I identify as neither Republican and Democrat, and have this ability to identify and feel compassion with both sides of extreme viewpoints, which is both an asset and a curse, I think!
This verse is 1 Corinthians 14:20... Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.
ReplyDeleteI believe that God wants us to use our minds. Academia is not at odds with Christianity.