Spiritual Journey on Pause

My son likes to arrange his cars and trucks in a single file line across his room. While talking on the phone one day, I found myself unintentionally mimicking my son, organizing the toy cars scattered about. Perhaps it gave my pattern seeking brain a sense of control, making order out of chaos.

Throughout the last 12 months I’ve sought humility in my search, even as it rendered me defenseless against critique. Yet, I’ve been unable to sort out my faith with the ease that I put my son's cars in a row. The breaking point occurred on that Sunday when I listened to a pastor define heresy for the congregation. Much of the delicate progress I had made was shattered in a moment.

I quickly bounced back, but a piece of me was lost in that shuffle. The part of me that remained vulnerable enough to seek and search. I’ve scaled down my reading of blogs because instead of finding solace, I often felt more lost, anguished that I fail to find faith while others follow Jesus after grooming their views and transitioning to more liberal forms of Christianity. The core of my frustration here lies with myself, my difficulty in accepting the present and not obsessing or over-analyzing things. After the discussion over Rob Bell’s new book on hell, I found myself feeling like a ball being tossed about as bloggers (such as Francis Chan) discussed the fate of people like me -- all this mental energy devoted to analysis of the equation for hell while I find no prescription that might lead me to heaven, or at minimum, feel peace about the existence of an afterlife.

I’m not antagonistic towards Christianity and have deep respect for the faith of believers. I’m not antagonistic towards atheists, and think they deserve to be both heard and loved. I’m disappointed, but not angry at the church, for even Scripture does not promise us a perfect church or a perfect people. I think the church, as a whole, needs to redirect its focus away from “right” theology and take a more laid back approach that values the nuances and variability of people’s minds, hearts and experiences. The stereotyping of atheists that is rampant among all Christian circles, even progressive and liberal ones, is a misguided approach. Armenian, Calvinistic and Universalist interpretations of hell fall short when not accompanied by real-life data (see here) on why and how people attain or relinquish faith. Theoretical Christianity will only get us so far without going out into the lab of life and embracing the questions and desires of humanity.

This is where I hit the pause button on my spiritual journey, and take the rest my weary self needs. I do not plan to disappear from the blogosphere entirely, but there shall be a subtle but necessary adjustment in my approach that involves viewing the blogosphere as more of a leisurely hobby than a passionate calling (and there are additional reasons that I have not disclosed yet, but I know you'll understand). I know a part of me will always look towards Christian faith with a curiosity, albeit not with the yearning that left me perpetually disappointed in myself. Perhaps I am making a mistake, but I’m at a loss for an alternative – a way to hold onto my enthusiasm while wearing a thicker skin that would filter out hurtful opinions. Passion and vulnerability are inextricably linked for me, and I know not how to contemplate Christian viewpoints without being so sensitive.

Please know I still welcome your input, advice, perspective and testimony just as much as before - again, let me emphasize that I hold no critique for anyone other than myself and my tendency to put my brain on over-drive. Don't feel like you need to hold back or worry about exerting undue influence upon me towards or against Christianity. I've said this several times already, but let me express AGAIN my deepest appreciation for the thoughts, prayers and support that I've received here on this blog. I treasure my online community that has reminded me that I was not alone in my journey, even if we might be separated by hundreds or thousands of miles.

LAC



Note: I’ll might share some unpublished posts created during my more fervent phase over the next few weeks, since I haven't been in a "writing" mood lately!