On God and Alcohol

I had promised to publish some of my old posts, penned while still in a blogging mood. Since I'm out of town for two weeks, I do not have access to the one I had hoped to share, it being stuck on my hard drive back at home. However, I did find these ramblings in my online archives. I'll ask for your patience, in advance, as I work through what is a complex subject for me, even though I know for most it is a non-issue depending on the denomination in which you were raised.

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For most of my life, my Southern Baptist upbringing instilled the conviction that alcohol was sinful and displeasing to God. As alienating as it felt to be a non-drinker, particularly in college and grad school, I held fast to my stance against alcohol, out of respect and obedience to God's sacrifice of his only son for my sins. Besides, I had good reason to be fearful of alcohol after watching the ills of alcoholism destroy my grandfather's life (triggered by complications of their escape from Cuba's incoming communist regime).

In addition to abstaining from alcohol myself, I viewed prohibition as the badge of true Christianity, and coupled with God's command to only "yoke" myself with believers, a part of me always held back excess emotional attachment in friendships with "unbelievers", unable to completely open up for fear I might lead them astray (since I never was one to outwardly use apologetics, my witness was through my actions). When coupled with my education in the sciences among several stolid athiests, I seemed to be the sole Christian in the sciences. Whereas in college I could at least seek refuge in the non-drinking conservative community of Christian students I found at Campus Crusade and Intervarsity, there was no such equivalent at my graduate school, housed at the medical campus, a good 30 minute drive from rest of the departments. I was almost always the only person not drinking at each social function I attended, and probably missed out on having a more enjoyable graduate school experience by not attending the weekly department happy hours held at "bars". Interestingly, I have since realized that many of my graduate school classmates identify as Christians (thanks to Facebook status updates) - a discovery that is ironic now considering I am unsure if I identify as Christian myself. I tried so hard, and yet I failed. Some might say I tried too hard.

Nowadays, I'm not quite so niave. I know many Christians drink, and perhaps even get drunk. I know Southern Baptists that have been able to free themselves of the fear of alcohol without abandoning faith, including my own brother and parents. My husband has always refrained from alcohol, but his rationale was never linked to Christianity. However, for me, Christianity and alcohol are intriquitely interwoven, because my passion against alcohol seemed to be a direct revelation from God -- my own personal God telegraph, and my ability to withstand the temptation to drink was not of my own accord, but what I thought was the Holy Spirit within, empowering me to obey God's command. Each time I felt lonely or excluded for not drinking, I scolded myself as I remembered Jesus' suffering on the cross. A suspicion of legalism never once entered my mind. The smell of alcohol still triggers a strong repulsion, memories of sitting in church listening to sermons that demonized alcohol. As I now question God's working in my life through my alcohol convictions, I'm left confused about the existence of God and the reliability of the Holy Spirit.

Yet, with my newfound knowledge that Christianity and alcohol are indeed compatible, I find myself wishing for prohibition. I have zero desire to drink, and am thankful that my husband feels the same way. I cannot go back in time and know how my life might have played out had I not avoided alcohol, but I have few regrets about choices that spared me the dangerous side effects of alcohol - college binge drinking, destructive behavior and addiction.

I do not feel my life lacking without alcohol -- life can be just as rich and fullfilling (and slightly less expensive too!). My only regret is the alienation that I felt, and still feel, because of my decision not to drink and party. I am tired of the looks of puzzlement when I turn down free alcohol, or getting pushed to drink alcohol at every restaurant meal. Alcohol is a staple of human conversation and the center of many social functions, and I feel like a foreigner.

I don't understand the culture and the language of adult drinking, why people seek refuge in a drink from a grueling day at work or a tough day with the kids. I cannot join into conversations reminiscing about those partying college years nor can I understand the value in getting drunk. I'm perplexed that I'm often the only one not carrying a wine glass at get-togethers and mom's night outs and in fact, at a recent baby shower, I was caught off-guard that when I turned down a glass of champagne, I was left empty-handed during the toast (one blunder I shall make sure not to repeat).

Where do I go from here? As a post-evangelical-fill-in-the-blank-because-I'm-not-sure-what-to-label-myself, I MUST be a more open-minded person now, and have no qualms about yoking myself with drinkers considering that I don't feel yoke-worthy myself. Yet, I feel lost, floating from group to group but not finding a niche or community where I fit in.

While I will not judge others, I cannot escape the fact that alcohol continues to scare me. I worry about its addictiveness and ability to brew trouble. While I'm old enough to not worry over what others think of me, I still wish people would be more accepting -- that alcohol could be seen as a choice, not an obligation and way to conform. My dislike of alcohol should not be regarded any differently, than my failure to like, say, mustard. You might be slightly bewildered but still understand why I might not appreciate the varying nuances of mustard like you do.

Unfortunately, the story is different for my children. What will I teach them? I cannot protect them in a bubble, and while not drinking may seem like the best choice for me, they may view things differently as young adults. And let me be realistic -- chances are they will diverge in their opinions on alcohol with the pressure to drink they will experience throughout their college years, if not earlier.

Seasoned parents will often advise you to parent with your gut feelings. Mine, however, are much too intermingled with fundamentalism to be trustworthy anymore. There are days I long to be welcomed into a Southern Baptist community just so I could protect my children, and attend social functions that are not alcohol-focused. These are also the days I pine for my innocent faith in God. God and alcohol are a package deal for me, woven together so tightly that I fear they cannot withstand being torn apart.

note: I spend little mental energy worrying about these questions nowadays. We'll face these decisions soon enough, but still have time to munch on these issues and perhaps even evolve some more. Yet, I find this post important in demonstrating how little I have deviated from the moral path I started as Christian. It annoys me to no avail the hidden little snubs I often see against apostates ... a cop-out really, to use immorality as the scapegoat to explain why Christians loose faith. (I'm not going to name names b/c the problem is widespread. Suffice it to say that the problem is not limited to conservatives because I see it on some of the "big" progressive/science blogs I read.)