Come January, there will be a new addition to our family. A baby is growing within me. While I am certainly excited, the joy is overshadowed by the daily and relentless nausea and vomiting. It's not to the point of malnutrition or dehydration, but difficult nonetheless. The kids will watch more TV in these next months than they have in a whole year. They are my little mommies, along with my husband who is now full-time parent, housekeeper and cook, in addition to holding a full-time job.
I've done this twice before. This too shall pass. I'm at 9 weeks now and have already made it through three weeks (it started at 6 weeks), and am counting the days until 22 weeks when the nausea has historically subsided to a more manageable level.
Now you'll understand why I hit the pause button on my journey. Little time remains to contemplate seemingly trivial issues of inerrancy, evolution, hell, and whether Adam and Eve were real persons (the latest controversy within the blogosphere). I have not the energy to reflect on my lack of faith or worry upon what others might think of me. I simply live one day at a time, focusing on the future, and the precious baby that will eventually make all this nausea completely worthwhile -- the joy that will give meaning to the suffering.
Perhaps the trials of pregnancy and wonders of holding a newborn are prophetic metaphors for my current doubt struggles and future faith? I will admit that in the still on the night, after battling the nausea of the day, I pray. I ask the God I'm not sure I believe in, for faith, for relief, anything. I've reached the limits of my capacity to reason, and I admit that I cannot cope with the meaningless of life without God -- the loss of hope that might redeem the suffering.
So I pray. Indulge me in my need to pray, to believe and to hope. Prayer brings me a sense of peace, admitting my shortcomings, that I am frail, battered, and in need of a savior.
Congratulations! Oh I so remember those days…even though I struggle these days with what prayer even is, or what to pray for you will be in my thoughts and prayers. May the beauty of pregnancy and birth, (amidst the discomfort and sleepless nights (: ) be healing balm for your soul.
ReplyDelete{{many hugs}} A woman is never more cosmically, mystically, non-rationally aware, I think, as when she is pregnant (unless is when she is giving birth). One thing every woman learns during gestation/birth (try though we might to get around it) is how irrelevant our delusion of control is to the grand scheme of things. The more we try to control, the more out of control we feel.
ReplyDeleteOn a more practical note, nausea and vomiting are often controllable (teehee) with additional vitamin B6 or Pyridoxyl-5-Phosphate if the whole B6 goes right through you (you know, that fluorescent vitamin pee). I know unsolicited advice is rarely welcome but you never know when that little tidbit might be the diamond you needed so I pass it along with the best of intentions. Ignore freely.
Enjoy the rest. It'll do everyone good.
(((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteCongrats. You will be in my prayers, such as they are, and i will be holding you up in good thoughts/wishes.
ReplyDeleteHave to admit i'm envious, but that will pass. I wish we were blessed with children, and that we were not adds to my struggle with God.
Hoping this soon passes for you (nausea, etc.) and you have a joyful, delightful time waiting for your new blessing.
Congratulations! I hope the morning, noon, and night sickness soon subside and you have a pleasant rest of the journey. {{{LAC}}}
ReplyDeleteWow, congratulations! What a blessing. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your much appreciated thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteSandra...I didn't know about the B6 absorption problem, but I don't think that is the case for me. I've tried B6 alone and in combination with Unisom. Zofran is really the only thing that seems to work well, but i get rebound excessive vomiting when it wears off, and combined with my general dislike of taking medications during the first trimester, I've been just focusing on keeping hydrated and nourished...(often by just staying in bed all day ...yuck). But I appreciate any and all suggestions b/c I am desperate.
Kathryn...I think of you often and can understand how you feel as it parallels with my own envy of others that find peace whether in Christianity or atheism. I think adding doubt to infertility must certainly be a difficult battle. Many hugs :)
Congrats on the new life within. Sorry to hear about the sickness. I have no advice there or with the prayer thing.
ReplyDeleteBut I do wish you nothing but the best. And look forward to possibly at some point seeing the new little one make an appearance on the blog.
((hugs))
It's been awhile since I've been over here and it's so great to hear your news! Congratulations to you, and I'm hoping the sickness will subside soon!
ReplyDeleteAwife: I will be sure to post photos!
ReplyDeleteFaithless: Thanks!
A pregnant friend of mine wrote her unborn baby this lovely poem and posted it on facebook. I immediately thought of you.
ReplyDeleteA Poem for Our Baby:
O my little embryo,
Why must you nauseate me so?
To actually vomit might be a dream,
I shall NOTforget this when you're fourteen.
There's no question I'll make you pay,
For making me nauseous EVERYDAY!
Maybe you can have a little chuckle about it. :)
Dma: Love it. Although vomiting usually only gives me relief for 10 minutes, and then I have to start the process all over of eating another meal! Today, however, I am thankful for the nausea, b/c I am having some mild crampting today, and had the nausea stopped, I might have worried.
ReplyDelete