Parenting Through Doubt

Parenting, too, is a journey. Right now, I have more questions than answers. But unlike my own spiritual journey, I can’t push the pause button on parenting.

Here’s another unpublished blog post from the archives ….

My children. My 7 year old inquisitive and energetic little girl and my independent yet cuddly 3 yr old boy. The gems of my life. From the day I held my firstborn – my 6 lb 4 oz baby girl - my life was forever changed with the awesome yet terrifying privilege of raising this tiny being who would hold the strings to my heart. The birth of my daughter in 2004 and my son in 2008 seemed to confirm a greater purpose in this world given by Christianity, and fueled a passion to know more and instill in them that same purpose.

All dressed up for her ballet recital!

In my passion to lead my children to Christ, I stumbled, loosing my way as my own understanding crumbled, replacing ignorance with uncertainty, wondering if there is an afterlife and if not, why did we evolve to a place where the good does not always cancel out the misery, disease and destruction. As my children grow, I fear the time they will question me about Christianity, unsure about what to relay and how to explain doubt to children that want the security of certainty.

If my quandary about religion was not hard enough, I have the added obligation, particularly while we homeschool, of teaching my daughter the history of mankind, a story riddled with manmade horrors as slavery, war, crime, poverty, and worst of all, religious bloodshed, all of which still linger today. Try explaining to a 7 year old why people took slaves, separating mother from child.

A popular homeschooling curriculum (the classical approach) promotes a chronological teaching of history, such that my daughter would have learned about the ancient cultures this past school year (1st grade), and will end with the modern cultures in fourth grade. A common option used by both the Christian and secular homeschool communities are Susan Bauer Wise's Story of the World texts. Each time I have browsed them, I’ve cringed at the thought of how to teach my daughter, for instance, about the Egyptian gods while diverting the unavoidable questions about the differences between the Christian God and their gods. I keep taking the path of least resistance, which means focusing on all the other subjects and completely neglecting history. Two problems solved – I get to protect my sensitive daughter from extensive discussion about manmade evils, AND avoid difficult conversation about Christianity.

I can’t do this forever.

Enjoying our local botanical gardens while sister is in a class.

How can I protect my children from both the madness and the mystery? How can I protect their joyful ignorance? Their innocent faces tempt me to stifle the questions and offer them a vision of spirituality AND history under rose-colored glasses. But I can’t erase reality, and the loss of their ignorance will proceed year by year. It has already started with my daughter. All I can do is love them, hug them, cry with them and embrace their questions without distancing them with pat answers and authority. Instill in them a passion to cultivate empathy, charity and humility. Respect them enough to have the courage to tackle difficult topics, perhaps even the Story of the World curriculum that I dread.

Here's a song that puts to music the thoughts expressed here - "In my Arms" by Plumb.