I have searched God with optimism and integrity. I've read books and blog articles by Christians, sought the community of a church, attended local forums on science and faith, and admitted my questions to small groups and here on this blog. I have committed time and money to attend a Biologos conference and join the ASA. All have been done with a sincere desire to find God. My husband has sought the guidance of pastors and attempted, unsuccessfully, to form a community of Christian scientists where one would be free to ask the hard questions.
Each time, my enthusiasm has been rewarded with silence. But I don't give up easily.
A month ago, I entertained the idea of attending an emerging church event called the Wild Goose Festival featuring a myriad of speakers and artists, including Pete Rollins and Brian McClaren (link to news article). People from around the continent would be flying in to visit a place that was a mere 15 minutes away from my home. "How fortuitous!" I thought to myself. But as I looked at the date (June 23-26), my inspiration quickly faded, knowing I lacked the motivation to go through the hoops that would be required to attend, with a husband on call both weekend days in the ICU and no recourse for childcare, not to mention my struggle with pregnancy nausea and vomiting (and I'm hesitant to take the only medicine that works for me, Zofran, due to various side-effects).
As I skimmed some posts from bloggers that reflected upon their experiences at the festival (see Chad Holtz, Julie Clawson and a full list of bloggers here), I felt a twinge of regret over missing out on a chance to potentially rekindle my faith. The Wild Goose Festival seemed like faith inspiring event for those that visited, and would have been a safe place for me to venture. My regret, however, was quickly overtaken by a sense of frustration at all the obstacles that prevented me from attending -- I would have preferred to remain ignorant of the event. It is almost easier to believe in no God, than an absent God who didn't care.
It is discouraging to see myself so worn down. My usual optimistic self has grown cynical, much to my own disapproval. But it was inevitable that I would only be able to run for so long. My psyche cannot endure the emotional low from chasing these leads that always seem to leave me stranded in rabbit holes. If God is out there, I cannot search. I fully admit that I am unable to find God by my own accord. I am a hopelessly unsatisfied, unwilling agnostic.
My husband wants me to find happiness irregardless of whether I am a Christian, agnostic or atheist. Can I? As long as I leave the door open for Christianity to be real, I must entertain the idea that my discontent comes from the spiritual void that needs to be filled by God's presence. Some readers will point towards this as evidence of lingering childhood indoctrination, but I am just not sure I am entirely the victim here. Christianity's central message is that faith in Jesus brings hope, both in this life and in the afterlife:
Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace...Ephesians 2:12-14.As such, I just do not see any other options besides either being filled with spiritual angst that might point me towards God, or focusing on ways to be content as an atheist. At times, I am thankful for the nausea that allows me some temporary relief from deliberating on this decision. Thank goodness for that pause button!
My goodness, you're so depressed that nausea and vomiting is a GOOD thing? I know every cloud has a silver lining but that's a big cloud. But I also really hear you on how messed up and obsessed Christianity can make you when you start looking for it to make sense. As you know, I left it, came back, and had to leave again. I can't tell you how much relief I still feel months later to have done nothing more than drop the name Christian. Just continuing to use that word to describe my spirituality made me feel all twisted up and stuffed in a box. I didn't change anything else, same heretical beliefs, same doubts and questions, same agnostic tendencies, same mystic experiences, but I feel so much freer to continue my spiritual seeking and finding.
ReplyDeleteMy solution may not work for you but at least you know I have felt, and sometimes still feel, you pain.
Oh the love/hate on again/off again relationship I have with that word (Christian). I can pretty much just "ditto" everything Sandra said.
ReplyDeleteIt's just easier for me not to use it. I've tried to fight the assumptions that it brings up in the minds of others when I use it to describe my religious beliefs, but I'm worn out. I'm worn out by their responses and I'm warn out trying to figure out a way to re-define it for myself. I think I'm looking for Jesus to be something that he just wasn't.
Or, if you don't want to think of terms like "atheist" at least for now, how about a kind, compassionate, caring, intelligent, warm, loving human being and all that goes with being human.
ReplyDeleteI am encouraged to hear that your husband desires your happiness regardless of where you end up on the theist/non-theist scale.
Ladies, Thank you for these kind thoughts. This journey has been so ridiculously difficult, and I wish I could be a little more firm, confident and less doubtful. Being so open-minded is both a blessing and a curse, for it allows me to respect anyone's a/theistic inclination, while prohibiting me from coming to a position myself. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, considering I fall on the "moderate" scale in most things in life, including politics. My post, and the emotions within in, were fueled, in part, by this post on Biologos: http://www.biologos.org/blog/the-crutch/ (in particular, the derogatory comments and stereotypes propagated about apostates) and some of the comments below it...this was also one of the frustrating posts I alluded to in my God and Alcohol post. If you have a chance, I wonder if you all have an opinion about it. I have been severely disillusioned by Biologos and let my ASA membership lapse, as I feel their focus is more on the ID movement than reaching out to seekers and doubters. I have considered writing a post about it but feel bad writing something so publicly negative about them, ( considering they do at least advocate for evolution). Perhaps I should just send a personal letter.
ReplyDeleteLikeAChild,
ReplyDeleteI read the blog post you referenced on Biologos but couldn't access all the comments. I understand how upsetting it likely was to you. Did you post a comment there? Falk appeared to be taking the opportunity afforded by that letter to emphasize the harm to Christians in making the rejection of evolution necessary to Christian faith. However, he did so without bothering to reflect on the validity of the claim that many use evolution as a defense against living as God wants.
Like a Child,
ReplyDeleteI found the biologos article and comments intriguing.
The most fascinating was on the first page, where a Steve (I forget the last name) asked what I thought was an extremely relevant question along the lines of “If we reject a literal Genesis 1-3 because of scientific discovery, should we likewise reject the flood, Exodus, the Ten plagues, Joshua’s genocide for the same reason?”
At what point, if we are treating some parts of the Bible to be “trumped” (just like any other human work would be) by subsequent knowledge, can we likewise “trump” other parts with the same method.
I thought the replies of “Oh yeah—go read these books prayerfully” was pretty lame and pathetic. If the books were so wonderful, I should think the comment-maker could forthrightly explain what is in those books to bolster the claims. While I understand the difficulty in reducing an entire book into a few paragraphs, at least give us enough to know why we should read the books.
As to stereotypes and derogatory remarks…*shrug.* I have heard the following conversation so much I am immune:
Christian: People deconvert to sin.
Me: Oh? What area in my life did I start sinning after I deconvert?
Christian: Well, some people deconvert to sin.
Me: Oh? Can you point out such a person on-line?
Then it is either:
Christian: Here is a former atheist, now a Christian, who admits he didn’t believe in God so he could sin
Or
Christian: Well, some atheists I talk to told me they are only atheists so they can sin.
I imagine such a creature exists. But the 1% who do seem to be the only apostates the Christian apologists flog.
I would love to have been there also. We're trying to find a church where our views and doubts are accepted, and it's a tough spot for us. You seem like the type who understands.
ReplyDeleteI just subscribed. Looking forward to hearing more from you.
Dagood and Doordonot: Thank you for reading that article and confirming my complaints. My interest in Biologos has been gradually fading even prior to reading that article...and I'm fustrated with Biologos' endorsement of Tim Keller (who advocates only for a literal Adam and Eve).
ReplyDeleteDavid: Thank you for visiting. i very much idenitify with where your sister Shan is at in her journey, and I appreciate your willingness to post her writing (and artwork).