Note: This is one of two posts that I wrote over the last few days. Life has a way of surprising you when you least expect it, when you've motivated yourself to give up. My surprise came in the form of an email from an old friend, inviting me to a study of a book by Marcus Borg at a progressive Methodist church near our home. Stay tuned....
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I don't feel I have a choice. My mind, my emotions, and my lack of spirituality cry out an absence of God. I know not how to choose to believe, to foster an ounce of faith. I'd like to believe in God. Scientific naturalism or atheism does not calm my existential questions, but that alone is not sufficient to accept the supernatural.
Since so few Christians are universalists, I often ponder how my life might help support Armenism and Calvinist theologies. I seem to nullify Armenianism because of my inability to will myself to faith. While Calvinism contradicts my moral compass, it certainly has more explanatory power for my predicament....I am unelect. I'm okay with that, because if I felt elect, knowing me, I'd be despairing over those that weren't. On the days I wonder if the God of Christianity exists, the evidence my lack of free-will seems to provide for Calvinism makes me shudder, and I find myself entertaining atheism yet again.
Or perhaps, I lack a spiritual center in my brain. I'm a rather rational, realistic and intellectual person. Being spiritual was always hard for me, offering prayers to God. My way of experiencing God was through my intellect, since my emotions were so fickle. But now that I've stopped thinking, reading and questioning, God really feels absent. To complicate matters, I have not experienced a healthy Christianity, and I'm sure spiritual abuse altered the spiritual pathways in my brain such that I can no longer access them -- I cannot sense God.
Amidst all these crazy thoughts, I've found a way to be content. I am not depressed or despairing. The mourning process is winding down. I have done the best I can...and that is all I can do. I surrender my will.
LAC, thank you so much for just being honest and sharing about your journey. I'm on the same path, a little behind you; I'm sure(?) you have (also) found relief in discovering others like you. I actually grew up atheist, then agnostic, then wandered into Christianity, then moved toward conservative evangelicalism for 2yrs after baptism, then had my entire faith (in: Jesus, God, and even logic/knowledge) collapse over a couple days last December. It was terrifying. I still can't answer the question, "What assumptions should I start with?"; but less terrified. For most of the year I still felt like I was trying to convince myself back into Christian faith; only recently have I felt more free to be honest and own my (current) beliefs, to "mourn" my lost faith (as your post puts it). Also got married a year ago to the most amazing (for me) woman, has helped free me (and force me, in much-needed ways) to deal with other issues in life too (started therapy for social anxiety, fear of failure, etc.--partly not wanting my wife/future-children to suffer from my issues). I'm a 4th-yr PhD in statistical theory.
ReplyDeleteI have one question, perhaps. As I have become more ok w/ being honest, there are many things I now honestly reject that I don't see myself ever accepting, mostly about the Bible. But "God" could be anything, in theory. It seems like some people say, "Well if [insert favorite "Bible problem" here], then God didn't write the Bible/Jesus isn't God/etc., so I'll be an atheist," while others (Pete Enns? Thom Stark?) say, "Yeah, you're right about ["problem"], but look at what that teaches us about God!" So when I don't believe "God" exists--which 99% of the time I comfortably do--I'm _really_ saying, "IF 'God' exists, THEN 'God' is like this (or at least, NOT like this); and by the contrapositive, since 'God' can't possibly be like THAT, therefore I conclude that 'God' doesn't exist." So my question is something like...how do you (personally) go through that process, and what actually leads to you falling on the theistic vs. atheistic side?
(Something related I am still baffled by (having grown up in an extremely atheistic environment) is how many people seem to believe in "God" _outside of_ any religion--I just don't get it!)
One other smaller question: you mentioned Pascal's Wager (somewhere in this site) contributing toward the "Christian" part of your "agnostic Christianity." Why doesn't Pascal's Wager apply to Islam? (Or other religions.) If you've read even ten randomly selected pages of the Qur'an, you'll note there are more references to paradise/hell than in the entire Christian Bible. Admittedly, I haven't read Pascal myself, so if I misunderstand the Wager and/or your interpretation/usage of it, I'd love to understand you better!
Anyway. Above all else, I wanted to express my deep gratitude to you and others like you, who are courageous enough to share without having all (or perhaps even any!) of the answers--since I first stumbled across such things on the internet this past Monday, I have felt very uplifted and encouraged. So thank you.