I'm weary of online discussion about religion, and while I have opinions on the church and unanswered questions about Christianity, the reality is that this little blog of mine will remain unseen to those that could help change the course of Christianity. The conservatives, liberals and progressive Christians will continue to battle over science, scholarship and faith while those of us seeking peace and reconciliation are pushed out (to borrow a term from Shan K, we are "gyps[ies] at the side of the road...with a view of all the caravans passing by"). We are wandering and searching in the anonymity of the internet because we have not a safe place be our true selves in our local churches and communities (as echoed by my blogging friends in the comments to my previous post).
I suspect many of you are like myself, preferring face-to-face conversation over virtual discussion. Yet, if I have a hard time finding an open-minded Christian community in the university town that hosts Bart Erhman, I can only imagine the isolation others might feel in rural communities, particularly in the deep south. The issues are complex, and churches are either extremely dogmatic or fail to engage the hard questions in the blur of church activities (such as DoorDoNot's experience). Truth be told, most Christians are not interested in these deep theological questions, and I respect that, because if it weren't for my unfortunate luck of studying the biological sciences in college and then attending a restrictive, Calvinist church, I too would still be a happy, lukewarm Christian (and I intend no insult here, because I have often wished to return to my old self that had a much easier time fitting in). Many of us skeptics have not the desire nor the temperament to openly question in churches that have static answers. As described by Terri, "there is no way to overturn a deeply held, core idea without it appearing treasonous to the group, without seeming to undermine the authority of the very group which produced us".
So we have no choice but to venture online to vent our struggles and ask our questions. I am truly thankful for the opportunity this blog has given me to be vulnerable, having my thoughts rewarded with a shower of encouragement by online friends. Today marks one year since I had a complete breakdown over the despair of my "dark night of the soul". Thanks to you, I've made some peace with my continued doubts and status as an agnostic seeker and wanderer.
Though I value my virtual community, I still dream of a local group where my writings on this blog would not be seen as antagonistic -- a place in which static theology is replaced with fluid discussion, where skepticism is not taboo, and community involves acceptance, humility and honesty. And as I take time to evaluate my original goals for this blog, I wonder if my continued "ramblings" are of any value. This blog has become a tale of chronic doubt and I'm running out of steam.
Shall I make this blog more light and cheery, even while my faith remains elusive and discussing doubt now sounds like a broken record. I could redirect my writing to more mundane subjects like the comical things my children do or my quest to find homeschooling curriculum. These are the questions that fill the bulk of my days, that dull the pain of a faith lost.
But do they thrill me enough to write about?
I'm not sure.
I think blogging should generally be for the benefit of the blogger. Write what nourishes your soul--or about the issues that challenge it. All we voyeurs-cum-friends follow along to find comfort for our own struggles and sometimes to share yours.
ReplyDeleteI hate warm, fuzzy blogs. Warm fuzzy posts occasionally are great but a whole blogful? blech.
but that's just my opinion!
Sandra: Thanks for the reassurance. I find much comfort that sharing my struggles might diminish those of another....makes every minute I've spent writing here worth it, even if I've just helped one soul;). Good to know you are not finding my blog depressing or rendundant:). Recurrant doubt without a happy ending is not exciting, but life is messy, and this blog is reflecting exactly that! I'm pretty sure I will not be able to sustain writing fuzzy meaningless posts anyways. It's not that I don't find value in them (as evidence by my subscription to various decorating or local kids blogs), but b/c I dislike writing unless I am absolutely passionate about the subject and needing to force myself to vent. Perhaps our furture church hunt (trial2) will provide a spark.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with what to write about as well. Even if your posts aren't so frequent, I appreciate being able to stay connected with you at least through your posts, which are always quite thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteLAC, you have indeed helped one soul (this one), and probably many more. I understand the sense of a dull ache you have now. I have it, too, as I realize that untruth of many of the claims made by the fundamentalist church in which I was raised and in which I hesitantly remain. And yet I just can't keep the wound open and raw forever. At some point, you have to accept it for what it is, make your decision, and move on. My decision at this point seems to be a somewhat detached attachment, worship with the eyes open as well as the heart.
ReplyDeleteMany of those with whom I sit in the pews know of my concerns, and the typical response is to avoid talking with me lest the disease spread to them. But those few who continue to support me and show love and friendship toward me are still making it possible, and I am likewise trying to show love and friendship toward them by not trying to pop their faith bubbles with all the barbs of inconvenient facts that I am now forced to carry for the rest of my life.
There isn't a day &/or night go by that I don't struggle with whether to keep blogging or not. I feel closer than ever to closing my blog, yet, there it is . . . still open. :-)
ReplyDeleteHeartache or warm & fuzzy, I'm reading . . . regardless. :-)
LAC, I think you would be a blessing and asset to any Christian community. It would be a privilege to share fellowship with you.
ReplyDeleteI've certainly found your "ramblings" very worthwhile, and thought provoking.
Rebecca.
Reading your blog makes this fellow doubter feel less alone, fwiw. Thank you for being open, honest and vulnerable with your readers.
ReplyDeleteDoordonot: Thank you for following my journey over the last year!
ReplyDeleteGrouper: I admire that you've remained at your church...you are helping get the word out that the church needs to address the questions of science and scholarship. My questioning started during my church hunt, which has understandibly hampered my hopes of community. Thank you for following my journey and encouraging me to continue to be vulnerable online.
Zoe: So maybe I'll spare you warm and fuzzy this month;), as evidenced by my last post (in which I'm really filtering out some additional thoughts for the sake of brevity)!
Rebecca: If only I could find more Christians that share your sentiments!
Anonymous: Thank you, thank you!
I think as evidenced by the comments here you have certainly helped one or two :~). Thank you for blogging here. You're one of the first people I found online who share my doubts and concerns. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I had a similar breakdown around December/January. It's been therapeutic to write about my doubts and fears as I am sure it has been for you.
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