Over the years, a frequent answer to my ponderings about Christianity has been that "I think too much", or a recommendation that I not "read too many books". I agree. I'd love to switch off the skepticism about the Bible. My intellectual examination of Christianity was not of my own initiative, but what I perceived to be a necessary step towards faith.When I read a statement on a blog like the one that follows, I'm not sure what to respond: [L]ove and mystery trump understanding every time...If you’re the kind of person who needs to figure everything out, perhaps the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is not for you. Too bad, because he’s the real deal: he’s the one who spun galaxies off of his fingertips, who calls forth the starry host one by one each night" (Students of Jesus, HT Rachel Held Evans). The heart of the message in this quote is synonymous with the original theme (and title) of my blog, Like a Child. However, 18 months after starting this blog, I have found it impossible to shut off my mind entirely without a personal spiritual experience of God to fall back on. Even children ask questions. They are satisfied with mystery because they trust their parents, surrounded by tangible reminders of love.
For a time, I thought "practicing Christianity" might be more important than mental belief. I agreed with the core message of the newest book by Scot McKnight, the King Jesus Gospel, that according to a review by Daniel Kirk, seeks to "articulate a gospel that both Jesus and Paul proclaimed, to articulate this gospel as deeply enmeshed in the story of Israel, and to insist that the gospel is not merely about personal salvation but about a more pervasive, cosmic transformation." I took on the label "agnostic Christian" hoping to demonstrate this transformation. But the truth is that living out Christianity feels insufficient without acheiving a certain minimum threshold of belief in the Christian creeds, especially when you consider that the ideals of the Gospel can be sought after by people of varying religious convictions, whether they be Christian, agnostic, atheist, Jew, Muslim or Hindu.
Thus far in my journey, I've come to the conclusion that Christianity is not just about (1) living the Gospel, (2) personal experience in Christ or (3) intellectual belief. It requires all three. As long as I only fulfill the first, I cannot honestly embrace the Christian label. It feels disingenuious. Sometimes I wonder if concealing my identity and my current agnosticism is closing the door on faith. But my attempts to seek faith locally have been fruitless, for I know not where to begin to find a place to explore my questions and reveal my spiritual vacuum without seeming like someone who "thinks too much"...and becoming a burden.
:( I feel so sad for you. Because so much of your pain is also mine. All kinds of people--preachers, teachers, doctors, parents, spouses, children--tell me I read too much and think too hard. As if I had a choice, as if I chose to make my mind run this marathon of questioning, hypothesizing, concluding, doubting, questioning.... As if there were some possibility of NOT thinking so hard. Given that I think so much, how can I NOT read books/research the available resources?
ReplyDeleteAs a sidebar: all the people I know who have had this reprimand thrown at them are women. I wonder if I were a man, would I be put down or would I be admired for my intellectual curiosity and insatiable desire for learning and teaching?
My heart is pounding. I relate. I once had a pastor say to me, "I can see why the men in your former church were intimidated by you." I inquired further and his response was, "You are an intelligent, well read woman who knows her Bible." I sat there so tired of it all and I responded with, "How very sad that men cannot accept a woman who knows her Bible and is intelligent." Of course, I was in patriarchal churches and it was not only the men who thought I read too much. One woman was aghast that I read anything not written by a Christian author. The thing is, it wasn't reading non-Christian books that did me in, it was reading the Christian books that opened my eyes to this vast diversity in Christianity and looking at it's history of in-fighting and the study of Christian cults that educated me.
ReplyDeleteIf it was just about "living the gospel" I might still be a Christian. I can even claim experiences with Christ (but naturally I now see that people outside the Christian faith have their own spiritual/mystical/unexplained experiences as well.) It's number three where I had to let go when facing my own personal honesty.
Those who say we think to much cast further burdens on our shoulders.
I can relate...though sometimes it is myself saying "I think too much!"
ReplyDeleteI think part of the problem, as far as finding a place to explore questions, is that most places/churches/temples/whatever rely on illusion to self-perpetuate. Things seem so cozy and wonderful and fulfilling in these communal groups only because the group has chosen to leave the parts of themselves, and the thoughts that they have which don't fit, at the door.
Harmony is achieved when everyone sings notes within a certain range. The other, perfectly good notes, aren't sung at the same time because they don't fit within the context of a particular song.
A song can be beautiful but it is only one song, not The Only Song worth singing.
I'm rambling in order to make a point....
We are disappointed that we can't find what we are looking for, but many times what we are looking for isn't really real. It exists only when people work really hard at making it exist with each other....and it can crumble quite suddenly and unexpectedly because of the amount of complex work required to sustain it.
In my own experience, when I long for those moments of clarity and certainty and community that I used to have, I sometimes realize all of the moments of confusion, uncertainty, and estrangement that I felt at the same time.
It wasn't all roses, all the time.
Hi, I'm new here. As a brief introduction, I'm a Catholic who, I think, can understand a part of your situation but not all of it. I hope dumping my thoughts here doesn't just serve to disprove the first part. No need for you to engage anything unhelpfull or worse.
ReplyDeleteI'll start with the point most likely to annoy and put in a predictable Hail Mary pass for Catholicism (pun intended). I'll try to make it as low-pressure as possible: Right now our conservativism is probably a bigger minus than any epistemological plus we might offer. But if you ever want to check it out, our idea of sacred tradition in a sacramental Church offers a way to ground Christianity without scriptural inerrantism. For me that is essential, because I don't believe scripture alone can carry the whole burden. If I was a protestant I probably would have to become an atheist. Now we are admittedly very hung up about very specific doctrines and very rigid in implementing them and I know that is not what you are looking for right now. But situations change and perhaps one day you will again find yourself in a situation where you again have a foot in the door of faith and then want clarity rather then needing a way to get that foot in the door. In that case I hope you remember scripture vs. science isn't the only game in town. Also, I, for one, would really like to have you in my Church.
But now to actually engage you rather then what I might hope for:
First, I'd like to say the Students of Jesus post totally doesn't apply to your situation but is basically true in an other one. Looking at your past few posts you seem to be going the other direction, but suppose your journey led you to the conclusion that a Christian world made more sense than an atheist one. That still wouldn't clear away all the difficult points. For example on many thodicean problems I can't understand why God can't come up with a better solution. But then I don't have proof of a better world being consistently possible either. And since on the whole Christianity still is more plausible to me, I'll have to leave that kind of question open, hoping I shall find it resolved in heaven. I think honest and sensitive atheists must have a similar sense of uneasiness in either denying or justifying objective morals. And then some people just don't seem bothered by that kind of thing. In a way some brands of atheism like fundamentalist Christianity seem to offer a simple world where you will never encounter that kind of difficulty. But the real world has that kind of difficulty and I think both an examined Christianity and an examined atheism must admit there are some things we just won't figure out and then live with that uneasiness. This doesn't mean one should just give up on "thinking to much" and believe unexaminedly. Like I said it doesn't apply to your present situation. But it does for example apply to mine, and - who knows?- maybe to yours at some later point.
Second, I think you also fear other people burdening you if you told them where you stand spiritually. That fear, unfortunately, would be fairly well-founded. A lot of Christians tend to react awfully confrontative to such things. But: As far as your fear really is just about burdening them: So what? The burden is no more than a Christian is obliged to bear. If you were biologically hungry would it be unjust to ask for food? So why not ask for help with a spiritual hunger for faith? We owe you here. Of course if you don't know anyone who would actually give you what they owe you that is a different problem. But then if the alternative is loosing whatever is left of your faith, the kind of friend who would feel burdened now is the kind of friend you would loose anyway. So in doubt it should be worth it to try anyway, you might be surprised positively. Just by analogy reactionary me is probably the last person someone would think to approach about their doubts about Catholicism. But if someone did I would be soo flatterd by the trust and try to be as good a friend as possible regardless of the outcome. It could well be you know someone to whom confiding your lack of faith might actually be sort of a favor. Also, going back a few posts, I think the liberals probably can deal with you not caring about politics. OK, them not shutting up about it alienates you, but might it not be worth it to suffer through that, honestly telling them that for the moment you have more important questions to sort out? Admittedly you would also run the risk of finding people as bigoted as they might seem, so I know it's hard. Basically, I recommend you follow this advice :-).
ReplyDeleteAs to your three part test for Christianity it sounds right as an abstract principle. And I understand that from your perspective your situation looks like failing it. But perhaps you can take some consolation in the idea that if he exists this doesn't have to be God's perspective. On the third part of the test I'll give you another example of what I mean, not to call you stupid but just as I said to give a different example: Some mentally disabled people are good Christians without understanding much of the doctrine. But that doesn't matter at all, because God is satisfied with them following him as good as their abilities allow. Basically I think the same could apply to you. As long as you are honestly trying to orient your intellect to the truth and if God is true you are intellectually following God even without knowing it. I know it doesn't feel that way, because it quasi-circularly assumes God to be true and you can't muster that. But then at least there is nothing to beat yourself up about, because either there is nothing to believe in or you are doing as much as you can and therefore as much as God does expect from you. As for the personal experience in Christ, this is probably the hardest part emotionally but the least important part objectively. That kind of experience is rare and short for almost everyone. Mother Theresa went without it for years and few people would deny her Christianity. Also I'm not so sure the experience of Christ can't hide in, say, the experience of your Children. So what I'm saying is, if Christianity is true you have a good chance of being a Christian without knowing it. I know this isn't enough to call yourself a Christian. But perhaps it can give you some peace in not knowing.
Anyway and as useless as it is from an Internet stranger I want to tell you: Wherever you end up you have both my sympathy and my prayer.
It breaks my heart to read your posts, but somehow, it feels nice to know that there are others out there in the same place. I could've written many of your posts (including this one) almost word for word!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all that Gilbert has said very much. WRT the Catholic Church, I have to say that my conversion (last Easter) to the Church from fundamentalism is probably why I have any faith at all right now. To me, the Catholic Church feels a bit like a safety net, one in which I've found a more loving, reasonable expression of Love.
Faith is still a daily struggle. I often fall back onto this quote by CS Lewis: "Believe in God and you will have to face hours when it seems obvious that this material world is the only reality; disbelieve in Him and you must face hours when this material world seems to shout at you that it is not all. No conviction, religious or irreligious, will, of itself, end once and for all [these doubts] in the soul. Only the practice of Faith resulting in the habit of Faith will gradually do that."
The way I "think too much," I KNOW I would not find rest in atheism any more than in this place of agnostic Christianity. Probably less so.
All that to say, you're not alone. ((hugs))
I'm a man and have been told many times in my fundamentalist church that I not only think too much, but also read too much. And one of the books that people were concerned about me reading "not prayerfully" is the Bible! At some point, the defenses of the group against questioning its doctrines start to look all too transparent.
ReplyDeleteSandra: I'm always impressed by your drive and motivation to learn more about Christianity. I've only read about 5 books since I committed to searching for faith, and then gave up. I'm not even sure I'll read the Borg book...I may just visit that book study just out of sheer curiousity to see what others have to say. Since leaving evangelicalism, I've met so many mainline/catholic Christians that have a refreshing and non-judgmental attitude.
ReplyDeleteZoe: I fully believe there is very little that divides atheists and liberal Christians that focus on practicing Christianity, besides the fact that the former may have had such hurtful experiences that makes it impossible to participate in the latter without loosing their integrity. I am agnostic b/c I can't shake the belief that I must believe to be a Christian. I'm not sure where I will eventually end up with regards to a/theism, but either way, I'll make it my mission to love, respect and empathize with both perspectives.
Terri: Beautiful metaphor. Now that three years have passed since leaving our church, I am beginning to see the benefits of the intellectual freedom I have now, and the chronic stress I endured at church battling doubt and dissonance. I was dying inside, trying to re-invent myself, my intellect, my parenting, etc.
Gilbert: Thank you for visiting and sharing your perspective. I know that fundamentalism has been toxic to my faith. Perhaps one day I'll be able to see things differently. I remain patient and aware of the possiblity of my beliefs evolving even further. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I know Catholicism gets much critique, but in my personal experience, I've found Catholics to be very tolerant and friendly, particularly here in the South where Catholics get labeled non-Christians by fundamentalists.
Anonymous: I, too, often meditate on those words of CS Lewis...the pendulum of faith v atheism, or lately for me, "seeking" agnosticism v apathetic agnosticism. I know and respect many ex-Christian bloggers that have found peace in atheism. Yet, like you, atheism leaves a bit of a vacuum for me. It feels too certain. Agnosticism fits me much better.
Grouper: I think I've said this before, but I admire your ability to remain in the church and see you as one who can pave the way to helping fundamentalist Christians become more open-minded and less likely to hurt people like myself!