A Time to be Silent

I've fallen out of the blogging bandwagon. Life has been hectic as we juggle pregnancy, homeschooling, housework,  and child-rearing. Our priorities are our children's needs and keeping me fed in spite of the nausea. There is no time left for faith deliberation, blog perusal, or book reading. Besides, the anger and discord often found online is of no productive value to my spirituality, as I've put to rest much of my spiritual angst and despair, learning to find peace in my uncertainty, even as it has lead me, not back to evangelical Christianity, progressive Christianity, nor atheism...but just a simple state of unknowing and a friendly agnosticism that retains curiosity and respect for the faith of my fellow Christians. Regardless of what some claim, doubt is not always healthy, and an intellectual examination of Christianity does not always produce positive results. Doubt is my curse, for my story is not one of a happy ending, but of acceptance and contentment.

I've learned that, no matter what the obstacles, whether they may be spiritual, physical or intellectual, we all must find a way to move on. And that is what we have done. We've said our goodbyes to evangelical Christianity as a family. Quite possibly, it has been the healthiest decision we have made. As an intellectual agnostic, the message I heard was that of being unloved, rejected, misunderstood, and shunned, yet I found no way to change my thoughts -- to turn back time.

For the time being, we've remained at the progressive Methodist church I highlighted in a previous post (and I'll still promise a book review one day). While on the outside, we haven't actually left Christianity, if I'm completely honest, I am likely deconverted. I don't understand what Christianity means anymore. Without the pure, unadulterated belief in the virgin birth, divinity and physical, bodily resurrection of Christ, and its pre-requisite inerrancy of the Bible, God seems unreachable and non-existant to me. The members of our current church prioritize living out the Gospel over focusing on the Truth; advocating social justice, rather than emphasizing the afterlife -- a foreign language to me.

I've exchanged the passionate evangelical Christianity of my past for what now seems like a cultural and bland agnostic Christianity. Perhaps the primary obstacle to remaining in Christianity is now myself -- those poisonous thoughts and biases telling me this church and its teachings are heresy. Is it not surprising that doubt and deconstruction might lead so many to paths of atheism? I respect my atheist friends, and hold their decisions with just as much esteem as I do my evangelical or progressive Christian friends. Yet I feel the atheist label does not characterize my mild, seeker personality...my respect for religion, my desire to embrace my Christian heritage, my fear of nihilism, distrust of scientific materialism, and disillusionment with the ability of science to explain all.

However, while I'm not turning away from Christianity, I also cannot be a spokesperson for it -- not even this post-evangelical, emerging and progressive faith so many bloggers have embraced. I sincerely wish I could, as it would make my life much easier to acquire a label - somewhere to "belong" and something to inspire others. My rampant uncertainty is really the main reason my desire to blog has gone by the wayside. What have I to offer?

My one wish this holiday season for the blogosphere is that we could all find a way to respect our differences and set the arguments aside. Life is too short to argue, and my new goal in life is not to be right, but to be joyous, compassionate and gracious. Isn't that what Christmas should really be about -- giving gifts of love to one another.

If you blog during this season, I challenge you to write posts of love; there is "a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3:7-8

This my time to mend - to be in silence, to be in peace.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year.