On the heels of my last post, my husband and I received an email from our former church (almost 3 years after leaving), reminding us that we were still on the membership rolls and of the vital importance of joining a church. If we had not already transferred our membership, they hoped for us to do so in the next six months, as they were no longer in the position to minister to us spiritually.
We are supposed to respond, but we're just going to wait it out, for obvious reasons. We're hoping this is some sort of formality, and if not, we will be able to exit peacefully, withdrawing our membership by stating our future membership decision is uncertain due to the prospect of house-hunting.
But still, the disciplining tone of the letter is salt to old wounds. My "thick skin" is apparently not as strong as I thought. The timing is just horrid, feeling rather alienated from Christianity due to the new direction of Biologos along with the discomforts/anxieties that preceed labor.
I'm not sure why I'm even writing this now, as I've always been hesitant to post anything too personal, nor do I want to point fingers, complain or give into resentment. But I'm also human, and sometimes, I just feel like enough is enough. When will I feel peace?
If you comment on this post, I especially ask for advice on how to proceed, i.e. what are the guidelines for a speedy and quiet departure from the PCA church, either with no specific "church home" for transfer, or a switch to Methodism.
Thanks to all.
sigh. just when you accommodate yourself to what comfort you can find in the church (which is damn little, for the soul bruised by Christians in the name of God), you get beat again. It was for circumstances just like this that I had to formally renounce Christianity and proclaim aloud that I was not just a Christian Heretic but full-fledged heathen. I found that somehow it hurt less (though still not painless, by a long shot) to be reprimanded by people I was no longer in any way trying to belong to. I would still love to belong to a spiritual community but I can't even belong in so small a way as to use the word Christian about myself.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath and blow out the rude voices with your exhalation. Enjoy the settling deep into the mystery of birth. Birth is a sacrament that grounds a woman into the fully practical, bloody, sweaty, messy life-and-death holiness as nothing else can. Whether there is any creator god, or any kind of deity at all, Life is still miraculous and mysterious and reduces one to wordless (if sometimes screaming) awe. That is all the God I need. Have a beautiful birth, no matter how it goes, Life will succeed in the long run.
Taking a deep breath, I want to respond just not sure about the "constructive" part. I love what Sandra just said. Though no longer a Christian, I still like to use terms like sacred and holy. And giving birth is both in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI try to personally see parallels when stuff like this happens, only because I have hindsight now. Could it be that you could take a deep breath and give birth to the next chapter?
Maybe a polite reply that simply states that you'd appreciate being officially removed from membership and at this time can not ask for a transfer as those kinds of decisions have not yet been made. Though they may not like it and might pour more salt into the wound, just keeping it brief but simple might be easier on you right now.
Thanks Sandra and Zoe....I actually edited out the constructive part b/c it was the wrong word for what I was trying to say! Your responses are so encouraging. Zoe, I think we will use exactly your response, should they contact us again...hoping they'll forget to!
ReplyDeleteYou're so welcome LAC. :-)
ReplyDeleteThey may contact you but you know, they may just let it go as well. Don't anticipate it or wait for it . . . it may never come. If it does, deal with it then.
I'm dealing with sort of the same thing on my end. I thought I'd dealt with it gracefully. I told my SS teacher when she called that I thought it was just better all around if I moved on as that was my ex-husband's church. She's called again and asked me to return to SS. I reiterated my previous statement. Now she's called me again. I don't exactly know how to handle this now. At this point I've let her leave me a voicemail as I contemplate what to say to her. But I know I need to call her back because I don't want to hurt her. These are difficult things to deal with.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I think Zoe and Sandra are right. I couldn't add anything more except a word of encouragement that you will be okay and a virtual hug. {{LAC}}
I also meant to say earlier that I hope the birth of your baby goes smoothly. I can't imagine how excited you must be for your bundle of joy. You must remind them all the trouble they caused you to get here, though. *grin*
I am probably not the one to give advice. At this point in the deconversion progression (odd to think one still progresses after all this time) I care very little what Christians think about me. I have discovered they will think what they think, and no arguing, explanation, demonstration, test, or act of heroism will change their mind.
ReplyDeleteSome like me for who I am regardless of my non-theism; others will criticize any perceived misstep. *shrug* Their problem.
So if it was me responding, I would create some cryptic letter causing them to scratch their head, ponder, yet dare not approach with questions. Go out with a bang! Something like:
“Thank you for your kind concern. Obviously since the incident, the membership has been the least of our worries—it was gracious of you to bring it back to our attention.
“Certainly you can understand why we must regretfully decline continuing our membership. As those involved have specifically requested we continue in the spirit of grace and not speak to anyone not directly involved, we will not elaborate anymore. I am sure this will relieve the proper parties.
“Of course our lawyer instructed us to not have any communication, but we thought the least we could do is relay this letter to allow the perfunctory business of clearing up your membership books. To do otherwise would be unkind.”
“Thank you again.
“P.S. The dog recovered just fine with no after effects of any sort, which I am sure will be a source of comfort to many.
That ought to come up at a meeting or too! *grin*
(Again, I am not the one to be giving advice. Please do NOT think I am making light of your situation—I am not. I, too, at one point post-deconversion cared about such things. After time and time and time being shoved on my face…one becomes hardened. For example [not looking for pity], for a new stunt to get our attention, at the Christmas family gathering my father gave gifts to all the grandchildren. Expect our children.
Cute, eh? Now I just chuckle. These people don’t care about you beyond sending a letter and quietly “cleaning up” their books. You are caring far more about them than they about you.
From a cynic.]
I wonder if it's a male/female thing DagoodS. :-)
ReplyDeleteI learned recently that when men ask Biker Dude about our past church he just says,
'Oh they kicked us out." I was horrified!
Zoe: "What? They didn't kick us out?! We resigned our ministry positions and left."
Biker Dude: "Well, they told us if we didn't get in line and do what we were told they were going to kick us out."
Zoe: "Well, yes, but we left before they could do that."
Biker Dude: "But if we had stayed and not complied they were kicking us out. They threatened us. We were kicked out."
Zoe: "Oh my god, you're right. How is it that you can say that stuff and not worry about how it sounds or what people think?"
Biker Dude: "I don't care what they think. Not my problem."
Zoe: Wanders away and says to herself, 'I need more Biker Dude attitude.'
See with me I'm worry that if Biker Dude tells people that we were kicked out that people will then murmur about us and what we did that was so bad.
Biker Dude sees it this way. He hopes people say, 'What? You kicked out Zoe and Biker Dude? That doesn't make sense. You people must be covering up something because those two worked their butts off in fellowship and ministry for Christ and His church and for them to leave there must be something pretty nasty swept under the carpet.'
Two opposite approaches to life. We make quite a pair. :-)
Not to make light, but you'd think after 3 years they'd get the hint. I would think a simple "please remove us from your rolls" should suffice. They don't need more info than that.
ReplyDeleteReading some of the comments made me think of this quote:
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." Gandhi
Don't let "Christians" get in your way of believing in Christ or wanting to be a Christ-follower. I believe the title has been hijacked and abused for personal gain from people. Some know it and others don't. I encourage you to keep looking. You'll find decent Christians who are on a journey to be more Christ-like. They're probably quieter than the ones you've encountered. Or more radical (in the Christ-like way.)
Zoe,
ReplyDeleteI don’t know if is a male/female thing. It tends to be a personality thing with me (whether that is maleness or meness, I don’t know, ‘cause I have both. *grin*)
Remember, as guys we see a problem, we like to take up a sword and solve it. You know the stereotype of how a woman comes home with problems at work, and the man keeps interrupting with solutions, rather than just listening? Well…I may not interrupt…but the rest describes me perfectly. I am the reason for the stereotype.
I so much want to go into these churches like this one, and be the “knight.” Scream out, “Fill your hands, you sons-of-bitches” (John Wayne reference) and chop them off at the knees. ‘Course that won’t be good for anybody (other than fun for me), so instead I vent by passive-aggressive responses like my proposed note.
I realize few are like me.
I always knew you were a "passive aggressive stereotype" DagoodS. *wink* and a *grin*
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help myself. :-)
Dear Like-A-Child,
ReplyDeleteI can identify with your spiritual struggles--as I am in the midst of a long spiritual journey with lots of angst too. And trying to find a church that helps me in faith.
But doesn't your title say it best? We will probably always struggle in our beliefs or lack thereof, but what really counts is that "like a child" as Jesus said, we put our faith NOT on correct belief or feeling, but on trusting God even when God is often silent (as that famous Holocaust writing of faith said).
Think of your kids. When they are little, they don't have a lot of accurate knowledge about their parents, but they can still trust their parents:-)
Hope you and your husband find a community who encourages you to trust and to continue thinking.
In the Light,
Daniel Wilcox
nice blog
ReplyDelete